Ricky Rodriguez Video Transcript

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The following is a transcript of Ricky Rodriguez's pre-suicide video, shown on the right.

Ricky Rodriguez

Well, hey everyone, this is Rick, and I'm making this video, um, well, for many reasons I guess. Ah, I suppose, the main reason is that I want there to be some record of the way I feel, um, my ideas, just who I was, really.

Um, I met, got to know, ah, some ex-members here and there. Some more than others, ah, but I wanted to explain some of the things that I've been doing and thinking and some of the frustrations that I've had. Anyway, I don't know, just, I guess its my, uh, sort of my last grasp at, uh, immortality. I know that I'm not immortal, and I know that this video is not going to make me so, but at the same time, I want to, uh, I want people to know that even though some of the things that I'm gonna try to do are rather shocking and, um, and maybe not right in a lot of people's books, I want to explain some of the reasons behind them.

So anyway, I'm just loading some of my mags here. Uh, hope you guys don't mind if I do that while I talk. Originally I thought that, um, I was gonna have this opportunity in March. It's early January right now and, uh, I don't know, I guess I just got some bad information cuz all of a sudden, couple days ago, I heard that, um, the opportunity was gonna arise, and well I mean this weekend which is basically right now. It's Friday night, so I was kinda caught off guard. I really wasn't prepared, so I'm sorta havin' to cram.

Its funny, I always thought that, ah, you know, if I ever, I used to think a lot about suicide. It's, it actually, believe it or not, it should have started a long time ago. It should have started when I was fuckin' born actually, but, to tell you the truth, it didn't really start in earnest until the infamous Teen Training happened. Yes, Teen Training, and man, I started thinking "wow, how could I do it"?

Well I was, well I wasn't the oldest. I was the oldest for a long time but of course at Teen Training there was uh, bunch of girls there that were older than I was. But you know, uh, let me tell you, this suicide was nothing that you talked about with people, anybody, or you know, you were gonna turn into a fuckin' Mene case. They'd beat the Devil out of you, or whatever, it's just fuckin' insane. But you all know that. That's old news.

Anyway, that was when I started thinking about suicide. I was thinking, well, you know what kind of poisons are there, poisons you know are easy, or so I thought. I've learned since then that, if you wanna take, if you want to take some poisons and you wanna make sure that it's, or at least, reasonably sure its gonna work, its good to take some uh, Dramamine beforehand. Settles your stomach so you don't barf it up.

Anyway, I didn't know that then. I thought about, uh, drinking chlorine, which of course is ridiculous. Um, I thought of, you know, like maybe, I heard of lead poisoning, you know, I thought, oh maybe I could like, um, jab a pencil under my skin or something. Its stupid shit, but you know I was just a little kid.

Actually what gave me that idea was Sara. In, indirectly of course, cuz she, ah, she used to, uh, scream and yell at my sister whenever she, ah, ah I think I might'a told this fuckin' story. Anyway, she would, ah, I don't, well when my sister had such a fucked up time at Teen Training—she was a fuckin' six year old for God's sake—fuckin' animals. I hate those fuckers. They're gonna fuckin' get it too if I have anything to do with it. Anyway, lets stay on the course here Rick.

Okay, so—I think I got thirteen in here. The cool thing about the Republicans is their love of guns. They just love their fuckin' guns, and now that the assault ban has expired, which I credit them for, we have high capacity magazines. Now, I only have, this is my super cool Kydex sheath that I got from sidearmor.com. It's an in, I think they call it an in-belt, or in-waistband holder, so it doesn't actually stick out, it actually goes inside your belt so you pull your shirt over it, so its very cool. Anyway, when you're carrying a loaded gun, the Glock is a very safe weapon but there is no real safety on it, except for a little, um, button right on the trigger that has to be pressed for the gun to go off. So the idea of just sticking it in my pants with a clip or whatever just didn't really appeal to me. Cuz if you get into a fight or something or something, somebody stabs you or something, I don't know, er, but whatever, you're rolling around on the ground, you just don't want the fucking thing to go off. So this nice Kydex sheath worked very cool, I think. Anyway, I went with a Glock 23, forty-caliber. I thought of nine millimeter—I think everybody does—the reason is, that I didn't go with a nine, is that there is the great debate always, because the nine-millimeter people say that their guns are the greatest thing since sliced fuckin' bread. Um, the ammo's cheap. They're effective. Also, this is especially good for people who like firing their guns a lot, like gang-bangers maybe, or, or even police officers who, uh, have to, you know, fire their weapons in the line of duty. The nine-millimeter is not nearly as loud as the bigger calibers, so you're gonna have less hearing loss, which is cool. The only problem with nines, I was reading actually this one story that, that ah, stood out to me, as we used to say in Teen Training.

Anyway, about this cop, he was in a gun fight and he was shot with a nine-millimeter round, and he didn't even feel it until he, he didn't realize it until he was fuckin' shot, until the fight was over. So after that he said, I got rid of my nine and he went with a .45. I went with a .40 because I think it's the best of both worlds. I just shot a .45 today for the first time. I was able to rent one at the range where I'm a member at. Um, that fucker's loud. It didn't kick me as much as I thought it was going to. Anyway, I like my 23. It's small, compact. Anyway, my high capacity magazines went from a 10 to now a 13, so that's cool. I think I'm going a little, a little overboard, I bought a bunch of mags and all these fuckin' bullets. I went with a police round, Golden Sabre, its a full load of powder, they don't, ah, they don't skimp. Some people say that the hollow points don't expand as they should because ballistic gelatin they use for their tests isn't really accurate. But, but I'll tell you if these go through somebody's skull, this fucker's gonna expand, so that's what I'm counting on. You see I'm counting on that because I have my Glock, all this fuckin' ammo, but the truth is this is my weapon of choice. The k-bar knife. Served marines for many, many years. I changed the angle on mine. I learned a lot about knife sharpening recently. Um, they, they come with like a 30 degree angle because these fuckers are abused. They're beat on, used for fuckin' everything. I only want it for one purpose, and that is taking out the scum, taking out the fuckin' trash. So I wanted a nicer edge. Finer edge that cuts better. So I changed it to basically a kitchen knife edge which is seventeen degrees, and now, goddamn, I can fuckin' shave with this fucker. So one shot, one kill. Well, hopefully. Anyway, we'll see about that. Then I have some smaller knives and stuff.

Anyway, where was I? You know, I better check to make sure this fuckin' thing is actually recording. Just got a new camera here.

pause

Ok, we're back. Um, I just decided to move the camera a little closer—I don't know if it was pickin' up the best sound quality. So anyway, duct tape. You can fix anything with this fuckin' stuff. Yeah, I'm gonna fix some people with this.

Anyway, okay, I'm sorry I'm getting all off track here. Where the fuck was I? Suicide. Yes suicide. Horrible. A horrible thing when adults contemplate suicide, but it's so much worse when you got a fuckin' little kid who is, you know, not born to be a messed up little fucker. But he's a little life, ya know, she's a little life, and you just fuck 'em over because you're a sick fuckin' pervert, and you don't have anything better to do with your life than to fuck up your little kids. It's just so far beyond me, I just can't fuckin' imagine it. But yet it happened. It happened right before me. It happened to all of you. Thousands of us, some worse than others.

I had it good in many ways. I didn't get fucked in the ass, you know, I was a guy. A lot of you girls, phew, crap, I can't even compare my stories with yours. But that's not what this is about. We're not sitting here comparing—oh you got it worse than I did—you got it more times than I did- because its not about that. There's so many other kinds of abuse that went on, that to some of us were just as bad, some of us, to some of us it wasn't, and some of us didn't have it that bad. So I'm not gonna sit here and say "oh yeah, I had it the worst or I didn't" because it really doesn't matter. It should never have happened at all. To anybody. That's the point. So that's when I started contemplating suicide. And I've been fuckin' thinkin' about it ever since. Because man, goddamn it, after Teen Training—shit, it's like all hell broke loose—we're just never the same.

I got into martial arts a while ago. I'm still basically a beginner, you know. I mean, when you think of somebody who spends a lifetime like 30 years, like my teacher in Washington had. 30 years studying martial arts and the guy's still learning every day. So, phew, I studied what a year, two years? I'm just a fuckin' novice. But hey, it all helps.

I thought it would help more. I guess, for me. But I think I'm really just fucked in the head. Ah, I've tried so many things, trying to, ah, trying to somehow fit in. Somehow to find, you know, a normal life. Nah, everybody says, everybody has said who I talked to about this, well you know, that everybody has their problems in this fucked-up life. But those people who say that, you know, they don't have a clue as to what actually went on. I mean, cuz, they weren't part of the cult. These were just average systemites I talked to. Well, man, I'm so happy for them. Ah, I'm so happy that, you know, that yeah, sure, they didn't have a perfect home, but ah, you know, it wasn't like this for everybody.

But there's a number of guys that I talked to in Washington. Uh, I sorta consider Washington my home because that's basically where I was the last four years or so, uh, ever since I left. So now this is interesting because, um, I don't think most fam- other Family kids- can relate to this, because yeah, they were abused. But one thing I don't think they were that much is secluded. And that really can fuck you over, because if you don't have that, um, mirror, if you will, of other kids your own age, um, even kids older than you, you know, older siblings, whatever, friends, then uh, it really fucks ya up.

And I was reading, ah, reading an article about how there were, how some people say, it was one of those conspiracy things. Ah, ah, I can believe it- that it's possible. And who knows? Anyway, they were saying how they were doing experiments on prisoners in the States- in the States- for the last, you know, for the last 40 years or something. Um, about that, trying to see how they can break 'em, and then translate those findings into the general populace. Ah, modified of course. I don't know if it's true or not. It was interesting reading anyway. But that's what happened to me- not having that mirror of other people to hold up- and, you know, see how I would relate to them, you know those formative years, if you're only around fuckin' perverts, these people are fucked in the head and try to fuck you over. Wow, I didn't even have fuckin' TV for god's sake.

Ah, so anyway, when I started martial arts, I, I got into knives. I thought knives were the coolest thing. I had experimented with trying to make retractors. I guess every teen boy does. Course with me, you know, if anybody saw it, was like, "Oh my God don't you know that you're full of the Devil?" So I would just sorta hide all my shit. That was around the whole body-building time. What a joke. Ah, but anyway, I just got fascinated with knives and, because you know, actually, when this started, believe it or not, was back, ah back during the Mene Series, cuz I saw Mene.

Okay, we had, as kids, I didn't get along that well with Mene because she was older. She was better at playing the game than we were. We were just little fuckers trying to have fun, and she, ah, set the bar so high because they really did grade on the curve. That ah, that it made it tough for us. But, ya know, none of us, none of us rejoiced when that happened to her. Nobody, nobody deserved that. Especially not a kid that age. So, I watched every day new bruises on her, big fuckin' fat fuckin' bruises on her. And I started thinking to myself, "holy fuck!" Ya know, there's gotta be a way. There's gotta be a way how one person could stand up to a group of strong men. There's gotta be some sort of equalizer. And I found that equalizer in edged weapons and training.

But I never had a chance to learn till I left, and even then I was, I uh, I was into finding an art that was just brutal about self defense. Just, you know, give me the worst, you know, technique possible and I wanna learn that. Not because I'm that way as a human being, but I've seen how ugly humans can get when they want to fuck people over—fuck little kids over. And when, if ever I see that, if that ever happens to me, it's that whole mentality, and I'm going to get down to business and there's not going to be anything left. That's what I was looking for. Didn't find it.

I tried, ah, karate for awhile. I hadn't, ah, I always knew that I didn't have time. I guess that, ah, I was really trying to fit in. I really was. Ah, its something in the back of my mind, it always like, I always felt like the resources that I had just weren't adequate and that no matter how much I did, how much I'd replenish those resources, it just wasn't happening. So I was just using my own power without replenishing it. Eventually it would be gone, which is kinda what I feel about it right now.

But anyway, getting back to that, I finally found this teacher. He was really cool. Ah, he was sort of a new-age guy, but man, that guy could fuckin' kick ass. He was, he studied an Indonesian system which is under their Pencak Silat umbrella, a very brutal, you know, you know, no fuckin' around system. So, I got two rounds left. Anyway, ah, so I always figured that, and I always still think about suicide, and I try to push it away. I'm successful for awhile, but it'd always come back. Started coming back more frequently, those thoughts, and uh, and I just, I just wanted it to end. That was my hope. And that was also my fear- that when I died I would just want to flatline and nothing else, cuz, I would not wanna have to go through in another dimension what I'm going through here, and what I had been through.

Now I'm not so sure about that. I don't really know what to think, but I think there's enough evidence, if you will, ah, to at least, uh, to at least make one stop and consider that we may not believe in God, but I don't, at least certainly not the Christian fucked-up God who's a big fuckin' dick that he wants to stick up everybody's ass. But, but I don't know. I'm starting to think that life goes on- and that fucking scares me. That really does scare me more than anything because, cuz, I don't know, I don't want it to go on. I want it to just be over.

So anyway, I think about suicide all the time. Then I figured that I'd probably cut my wrists because I liked knives so much, you know. But, uh, everybody does this simply to cut across the wrist. Sometimes more than one. One's bullshit. They say the best thing to do is to get a scalpel. It's incredibly sharp, small, and just dig in. Right there, and try and go as far as you can.

So I was thinking, yeah, well that's pretty cool, you know, maybe I'll, uh, I'll uh, you know, go rent a nice hotel. Nice hotel, you know, maybe the penthouse, uh, run a nice fucking bath in the Jacuzzi tub. Uh, spend the night with a nice, uh, nice hooker. I thought that'd be cool, cuz, I've never been with a hooker before in my life. And, uh, anyway its like Tom Leykis says, uh, you're gonna pay for sex anyway-one way or another- you might as well pay somebody who knows what the fuck they're doing. So anyway, that's sort of my dream. Not the end. You know, have some beers, get out my scalpel in a nice hot Jacuzzi tub. Just end it. Without enough time to breathe out.

Before that though, uh, I wanted to just leave. I just wanted to take whatever money I'd saved up and just go, somewhere cool like Bali. And then, now, Indonesia isn't the greatest place to be. I don't know about Bali. Um, I'm not so good on my Indonesia geography right now, but somewhere like that. Could be anywhere really. It would have to be warm, and it would have to have a nice sandy beach and lots of pretty girls. And, uh, you just, you know, go. Um, wait till the money runs out, you know, just have fun. Just have a break.

I've been going non-fucking stop, like I'm sure everybody else has, um, since I, since I left that fucking cult. And, uh, man that fishing. Ah, Jesus fucking Christ! That was hard. That was fucking hell! That would be my one of my ideas of Hell -is to be on that fucking fishing boat for eternity. God damn it! That was fucking nasty. Part of it was because it was my first job. You know, it was my first, my first real, uh, introduction to life on the outside was that, and uh, yeah it was a jump-start, let me tell you. But I got through it and I did really well. I got an extremely good review and good bonus, and it was cool. It was a good experience.

But, anyway, getting back to suicide. That's what I wanted to do then. I would kill myself- and god how I want to do that- I want to follow that scenario. I just want to leave. Spend a few months and then end it. But you know what I feel that that would be the selfish thing to do. That would be the, the quitters way out, because yeah, I'm sorta quitting right now, but in a way I'm not, because I'm not doing it the way I wanna do it. I'm trying to do something lasting. Something that, God forbid in the next life, it does go on, I can look back at this if I'm able to and, and know that okay maybe I didn't technically do the right thing but I tried to do something to help. I didn't just fade away, I didn't just turn tail and run and let those fuckers win, but I did what I could to make a difference. And I don't know how really far I'm gonna get, but I'm starting to think now that it's not gonna be that far. And that's gonna suck ass.

Hmm, I might not, well I'll get one person, that's for sure. My source for information. Uh, the goal is to bring down those sick fuckers- Mama and Peter. My own mother! What an evil little cunt. Goddamn! How can you do that to kids? How can you do that to kids and sleep at night? I don't fuckin' know. Anyway, that's my goal. But, I'm one person. I'm working under, eh, situations that aren't that great right now because I'll only have a small window of opportunity to, ah, get the information that I need out of this person.

I'm not trained in torture methods, which is why I'm gonna have to make do. I got my drill here. The reason why it's got this fuckin' padding here is just to try and silence it a bit, cuz I'm going to be in an apartment. Um, I got gags, fuckin' socks, a lots of fuckin' duct tape. Um, I got a soldering iron. Heat. I've got a crude implement I think can work wonders, especially if it is used in the right way. But I'm not trained. I don't know how to fuckin' do this. I don't wanna fuckin' do this! Goddamn it! Oh, you gotta see this. This is not for torture, but man, it could be. The stun-master. 775,000 volts! You gotta hear this puppy. Wow! That's got to scare anybody. But it's not going to be used for scaring. It's gonna be used for temporarily incapacitating them. It is a non-lethal weapon.

Anyway, so I don't wanna turn and run, ya know, I don't wanna. My goal is to get those sick fucks Mama and Peter, and, uh, then I can go to the next life knowing that, um, you know that I made a difference. I'll still go. No matter what happens I'll still go knowing that I tried, that I did the best that I could at the time, given my experiences, given my state of mind, given that I was alone, given that I, I struggled with so many things. Given that, you know, that if I had it clear, if I had the warrior's mind, like ah, Miyamoto Musashi wrote about, um, in A Book of Five Rings, you know, I probably would have got a lot further in this endeavor. You know, ah, just thinking of nothing. Nothing but killing your opponent. Single minded. No background noise in the mind. No eternal chatter. Gettin' down to business and doing it.

But unfortunately it hasn't been that easy for me. Anyway, anyway I'll give it a shot. We'll see what happens. Uh, hopefully, if I don't make it, hopefully somebody else will pick up the torch. Hopefully, in the end, whether they rot in jail and get bufooed in the ass by some inmate, or whether somebody blows their fuckin' head off or slits their fucking throat, hopefully somebody will do something effectively that will end their fuckin' miserable lives.

But anyway, my main incentive in this is knowing that it will make me feel a whole fuck of a lot better. But that maybe it'll bring, well, if I'm successful, which is- its starting to look kind of slim- slim chance right now- but its worth a shot, because if I am successful, I mean, I can just see all those fucking thousands of Family kids, you know, who've been abused. Okay, maybe there's not a thousand. You know, maybe some of the kids- especially the new generation- they, they don't know they're abused, they don't think, they, I guess they certainly haven't been sexually abused, but you know what, that's not good enough, because what about all those thousands of us, who have been fucked over, literally.

Ah, um, what about us? Where's our apology? They're not even fuckin' sorry. They're not even fucking sorry. Can you imagine? All of a sudden to hear one day, guess what? Mama and Peter are fucking dead. Yeah, somebody went into their house, or their fucking motor home, or whatever and poured gasoline on them, they lit a match, and had a fucking barbeque. Wow, can you imagine? I can imagine putting myself in this place, how it would make me feel if I heard that somebody did that. It would be like- wow- there is justice in this world. And an incredible weight would be lifted off my shoulders. And I would be able to go on with my life. Yeah, I would have fucking problems, but I got stuck on this one thing. I got stuck because there's this need that I have, this need. It's not a want, it's a fucking need. And I wish it wasn't, but it is. It's a need for revenge. It's a need for justice, because I can't go on like this.

So, I can imagine how I would feel, how liberating it would be. And I hope that if I'm successful, like I can't see how I wouldn't have this effect on people, ya know, any, anything you talk about the Family would end up like, oh but Jesus Christ, they got what they deserved. That's worth dying for. Even the thought. Even the attempt at bringing that about for people, that gift to give them, is worth dying for. You bet it is! So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try my very best.

Now- there is one problem though- and that is, that as I go on my merry way, I am not going to, ah, hurt, or try to hurt, any law enforcement. Now that's going to be really tough to do this without doing that. Um, but that's where I draw the line. I'm not gonna hurt them. I'm not gonna try to hurt them. I respect law enforcement. Um, the justice system has let us down. However, those cops are out there putting their lives on the line for us, and I must say, um, yeah there's some fucked-up cops out there, but I'm thankful for them and I respect them.

I got, um, I got to know an INS agent. He's a really cool guy at my range. Ah, that's where I went to get my concealed weapons permit. And, uh, I'm so glad I did that, cause even though I really don't carry my gun around, um- because my gun's only for one purpose really- even though I have all these bullets, I guess, I figured it's better to have them and not need them. Ah, but really I only need one. And that's for myself.

Um, so I don't carry my gun around but I'm so glad that I went to that concealed weapons permit class because I learned so much. I learned about the law. Ah, one cool thing I learned- and this is something that, um, our instructor brought up out of the blue- was that here in our great State of Arizona, "Jesus land" as some people call it, if you catch an adult sexually abusing a minor- if you catch him in the act- you can walk up to them and execute them, and it be a justifiable homicide. A legal shooting. You better damn well be able to prove that it was actually happening, or you're gonna be fucked, but the law still stands. It's legal. And that brings a smile to my face every time I fuckin' think about that. But you know what? My instructor said, "that's too good for them." It's too good for them! Just to walk up and put a bullet in their head. This is a normal dude, ya know, and I, and I looked around, everybody in the class, they vigorously shakin', knodding their heads, and saying yeah, that's fucking right. You know, these are normal people. They're talking about walking up and blowing somebody's head off. For doing it once!

Well, what does that tell you? Maybe I'm not so weird after all, you know. Now of course, ya gotta catch 'em in the act, and well you know, it's a little too late for that- for us. But the truth is, that's the way people think. That's the way people think about these sick fucked-up perverts. Just get them out'a the way.

So I—Boondocks Saints. If you all have a chance to see that movie, it's excellent. I've watched that movie so many times. It's, it's just that, yeah, you just get sick and fucking tired. Now they weren't really executing, um, child abusers. They were executing, um, drug dealers. Um, murderers. Mafia. All that kind of shit. But anyway, people don't really seem to care that much when those kind of people start dropping like flies. Makes the world a safer place.

But that's not why I'm doing it- to make the world safer- I'm doing it for justice. I'm doing it for myself. And I'm doing it for a lot of other people who'd like to see these fuckers go down.

So anyway, here I am. I've been lucky though. I guess in some ways. You know, came here, I was expecting to come here and have to pull a kinda 47 running kind of thing- where to avenge the death of their Lord- they had to become, you know, um, vagrants, and, em, bums basically. For two years- whatever. So I guess I'm lucky. I didn't have to wait that long. Just shows how stupid this fucking cultists are, just, you know, even after all I wrote. Even in the last thing I wrote on MovingOn where I was trying to get some help with this.

But you know what? I was kinda glad that I didn't get any help with this even though I wanted it, because to me, I mean, I was as clear in that as I could be without actually spelling it out. And, uh, I'm glad. You know, I'm glad that others of us haven't gotten to the point that I've gotten to. Where we really don't have anything to lose. You know, I'm happy because it- what it tells me is that- yeah, people still have hope, they're still going on.

Um, this one guy called me the other day. He said that, and he, he knew what I meant right off the bat from reading that. Um, he said that, um, we're dropping like flies. Hmm. Well I don't know if we're dropping that fast, but uh, yeah, people are going out. Um, I don't know. I think it's kinda easy to uh, just one night, you know, just one day, just decide to end it- just do it. But I think its pretty fuckin' hard to do what I've been trying to do. And, uh, like plan to where I know that- not really knowing when- but soon- I'm going to have to go.

But I don't know- it's harder not- it's harder than I thought it would be. But, yeah, I don't really have anything to lose, I think, and ah, yeah, I don't want to go through my life, um, the way it is now. I've tried for four years. Sure, it's not long. Feels like a fucking lifetime. It feels like a goddamn lifetime to me. And uh, everyday, if it had just gotten a little better, a little better. Even emotionally, mentally, for me, and it would have been okay. It would have given me hope. But it's gotten worse. Every fucking day has been a little worse than the day before. Kinda reminds me of that movie Office Space, where he's talking to the hypnotherapist and he says that every day is a little worse. And the guy says, "well that's fucked up", then he catches himself and apologizes.

But yeah, it's fucked up. It's really fucked up. But uh, hey, it's life, and we're gonna play the hand that we're dealt. So anyway, like James Penn would say- time to get busy living or get busy dying. Yeah, James Penn got busy living. I guess I'm trying to get busy dying.

But, you know, people die. They do. Everyday. Everyday. Ah, it's gonna happen to everybody. You know, sometimes I wish that, you know, I'd get the Braveheart speech from somebody. But it's true, you know. I feel like we're in a war here. Uh, it's not necessarily a literal war- like I'm making it-but it's a war nonetheless. I feel like everyone of us- who has left and in some way speaks out- in some way tries to help somebody- in some way tries to help ourselves- um, is a soldier in this war.

It's a war on terror because these fuckers are the real terrorists. You know, Bush and Kerry get up there on their campaign platforms and they both talk about how they're gonna hunt down Al-Qaeda terrorists and kill 'em. And kill 'em! That's what they said! Hunt them down and kill 'em.

Well, you know, my question is, you know, what about these fuckin' perverts? You know- aren't they the real terrorists? Terrorizing little kids. Driving them to suicide. Isn't that like murdering them, basically? You fuck with their minds so much that they can't go on. They really can't go on. Isn't that like killing them? Fucking bastards!

Anyway, it's a war on terror. It's like the military, you know- there's many different branches. There's the special ops, that I'm starting to think I'm sorta in, in this war. Uh, there's the medics. I know some people who are medics. Ah, the kind of people who are so cool to be around, um, who make you feel good, ah, 'bout yourself, encourage you. They have their own- god knows they have a lot of their own struggles- but they try to put those aside and help other people. Those are like the medics. There's the people in psy-ops, psychological warfare-I think. There's the generals- people who are trying to coordinate this effort- even now as we speak. You know they're doing what they can to, uh, put together, um, new battles. New court cases. Um, articles. Trying to get people aware of what's happened. It's happening still, in many ways. Um, yeah, so I think we're all part of it. We all have our part to play, um, and ah, yeah.

I got in contact with my sister. Well, I consider her my sister because to me she is. She's not flesh and blood, but uh, I'm talking about uh, Davida. Everybody calls her "DA-vid-a", but actually, her name's pronounced "Da-VEE-da". Uh, I was with her in Ukraine when she left, and she really felt forced to leave. Um, she could have gone back to the States, I guess. She had no money. The CROs wouldn't let her. You know, they, they took that back later and said it wasn't true. But I know - I was there. They basically said she couldn't go to any other home in Europe. The home we were in was basically falling apart. Um, she was fucking scared, but I admired her so much for her bravery because she just left - in the fucking Ukraine. She would basically have one meal a day, sometimes not even that. Her friends would feed her. Um, she was, got into the, uh, being a Mafia boss' girlfriend- she almost got herself killed. Um, had a fucking hard life. But she's still going on. She's, yeah, she's a, um, dancing in New York.

Um, anyway she calls me sometimes and we talk. She tells me the stuff she's going through, and she's, breaks my heart, you know, cuz I want to help her. But there's nothing I can do because it's all up here, you know, the damage has been done. I'm not saying she's crazy, but she has nightmares at night. I guess a lot of us do. I have nightmares, but not really about the same things, but about the cult. Um, she has nightmares about, uh, being dragged out of bed in the middle of the night to go have sex with, uh, Berg.

Goddamn. I can only imagine what my sister goes through. I was telling somebody today how different my sister - this is Techi - um, became after, after the Techi Series. It was just so sad to watch that - to see her retreat into herself. And now Sue calls me today and tells me how great my sister's doing. That's been actually one of the hardest things lately for me- is to have to- you know, pretend like I'm making peace with these fucking perverts. You know you just want to grab 'em and rip their throat out, and you know, I gotta be nice.

It started with Gabe and Amy. Man, they have so much blood on their hands. It not even fucking funny. Hope somebody takes 'em out. I don't think it's gonna be me. I definitely don't think I'm gonna get that far. But somebody's gotta take them out, those fuckers. Anyway, yeah, I talked to them on the phone, ya know, tell 'em all about myself, try to be nice, then, you know, Joy, Trust, Angela, Lusty Trusty, whatever her fucking name is, she calls me, and you know I have to do the whole thing with her again.

So, anyway. She tells me my sister's doing good. Yeah right. I was talking with somebody else- we were talking about- cuz we sorta left around the same time, I guess. She was at my mom's place for longer than I was, though. Talking about my sister and how what a sad little thing she was back then. Can only imagine how bad it is now.

Anyway, well Mom's gonna pay for that. She's gonna pay dearly, one way or another. If I don't get to her, man, if I don't get to her, and life goes on, I'm gonna keep hunting her in the next life, let me tell you. And I wanna keep going until somebody gets her, I get her, justice will be done. Believe me, it's only a matter of time. Somehow, someway, it's gonna happen. I'm gonna try to do my part. We'll see what happens. We'll go from there.

This, my boss always says, "We'll see what happens Rick, then we'll go from there". He's such a cool guy. He's like the best boss in the world, I think. That's actually one of my main regrets here having to do this is, to have to leave him, desert him, cuz I know he needs me. He has other guys working with him, thankfully, or it would make it so much harder for me to do this, but still. I wrote him a long note- tried to explain what little I could. What could he say? Ya know, what could he say? Anyway, yep, what can you do? Okay, well I'm going to take a break now. Maybe think of something else useful to say.

Well, I got my Heineken. That helps a bit I guess. Um, I'm bringing a six-pack along for the road. In my little cooler, and hopefully before I actually have to go, I'll be able to, you know, make it a little more pleasant. I don't know though- one of these fuckers to the head- I don't think there's going to be much time to feel anything. Might hurt at first for a second. But uh, certainly no more than cuttin' your wrist. So let's hope I don't fuck up and do something stupid and blow my nose off instead of my fucking head.

Well anyway, maybe fate will smile on me. The god of war. The god of revenge. Maybe they will grant me happy hunting. We shall see. But yeah, I mean, I guess, I fucking said all I can say. Uh, what can I say, ya know? What can I fucking say? Um, oh to have a peaceful happy life. I tried -I did. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Gave it what I could, you know. I did.

Yeah, should I beat myself up because I'm not as strong as other people? You know, should I berate myself because I didn't have, uh, ya know, mental stamina? It's funny, you know, there's- some of the Bible is actually pretty right-on, ya know. Stuff here and there- I mean there's gotta be something right, right? Sorta like a monkey typing on a typewriter for all eternity. For all eternity -he's bound to write something interesting.

Ah, um yeah, but uh, em- hem, yeah, forgot what I was gonna say actually. Uh, oh yeah, what's, eh, what's that verse about- I try to forget all those fucking verses- but they still keep coming up every now and then. Luckily they're not as clear as they used to be, and that brings some comfort to me. But I'm thinking about the ones that- you know- about fainting in your mind. And, ah, what's that verse about, ah, oh, "a wounded spirit who can bear?" You know, that kind of thing. I've sort of fainted in my mind, you know, and eh, I can keep going in the physical but, you know- do good work have a good job- you know, fairly nice apartment. But it's all on the surface, you know, I've fainted in my mind and I can't get out of it.

You know, I can't find the smelling salts to wake me up. You know, so you know, what am I supposed to do? You know, so anyhow, I guess we'll see what happens. I hope that, ah, I hope, you know, that you all keep going, whoever watches this video, but ah, I hope for one that it helps to understand a bit where I'm coming from.

Um, but, I seem sorta laid back right now, but Jesus Christ! You know anger does not begin- does not begin- to describe how I feel about these people and what they've done. You know, I mean, rage! Uh, I get livid, you know? Just, that's a little closer to the way I feel. And uh, that's gonna feel good to do some damage even if it's not much. As far as I can go. That's what I'm gonna do. It's gonna feel so fucking good- liberating. So, anyway, what can I say? I guess I said it all.

So, um, yeah well, I guess I'm going to go now. Uh, I wanted to see that movie White Noise just cause I'm sort of interested in the afterlife. And it's just a fuckin' movie, but, ah, looked cool. So I like movies- I think it's cause I wasn't allowed to watch that many. Yeah sure, I watched some with Berg and all, but shit. It's kinda cool to watch movies now. So, uh, I guess I'm gonna go watch that one. Drink some beers- be happy. What more could you want, right?

Yeah, well, I could think of a few things. Thought how cool it would be to, eh, go hunting for some child-traffickers that are kidnapping little fucking kids, ah, down in Indonesia -in some of those hard hit countries. Can you imagine coming down there to steal little children and use them as sex slaves, to use 'em, to use their organs, ah, cut 'em up- Can you imagine fucking doing that? I mean, in a way that's what these fuckers have done to us. No, they didn't actually grab a knife and cut us up, but man, they sure fucked up our brains! Used us as slaves. And that's what we were- every last fucking one of us. Didn't matter how we were treated- we were fucking slaves- just there for those sick fuckers' pleasure. That's all it was. That's what is was at Grandpa and Mama's house.

Alright. Oh well- keep fighting. Keep the faith, and all that other stuff, and someday- in some way- some of us are gonna be around to see those fuckers burn. Literally or figuratively- they're going down. So with that happy thought, I shall leave you.

See also: Ricky Rodriguez: Still Around