Life in Dad's House
The following satirical work is archived here for educational and historical purposes.
Contents
Life in Dad's House
By A. Nonimus
June 2001
Episode I - "Dad"
A gentle breeze wafted through the lush tropical garden and into the open screened window of the Prophet's bedroom. Jacob Schieskoff's portly, naked, body lay sprawled on the purple satin sheets of his king-size bed. Able, his chief of security, had just given him the 10th barometric pressure reading of the day. Satisfied that he knew the exact pressure for both the front and back yards, Jacob rolled his fat frame to the edge of the bed, placed the walkie-talkie back on the night stand, and sat up. "C'mon over here Marielamb" he gently commanded a tall french women sitting on the other side of the large bedroom, "c'mere and kneel before the scepter of your king." Marie, at once, pushed her chair back from the pile of work at her desk . Clad only in panties, her large breasts bouncing, she practically skipped over to "Dad's" bedside. She felt so blessed, beyond all the other women in the Family. As she knelt, she felt like a little girl again, going to the altar for communion.
"You're my great big french filly aren't you honey" the Prophet gasped as Marielamb took his limp penis in her mouth. "You want to be Daddy's Queen honey?" he asked, as he stroked her hair. Marielamb bobbed her head excitedly and mumbled something that sounded like a yes. The Prophet, slowly raised his eyes, as he ceremoniously lifted his half empty bottle of Cyprus Cream Sherry toward the ceiling. In what sounded like a Russian accent, he whispered theatrically, "You hear that Jesus? You hear what this little one say? She wants to be Jacob's Queen." Then looking back to Marielamb, he continued, "But we don't got no ring do we honey baby? How you marry great King if you don't got no ring?" Jacob waxed enthusiastic with his little accidental rhyme and pressed on, "All the birdies sing, hear them sing? They are not on a fling, they look far to find a ring to bring, but they find nothing for the King and that is why they sadly sing".At this couplet, he suddenly remembered the drawer full of forsake-all rings in the Lock-Down room and abruptly leaned forward and boomed, in his sonorous voice, for the one person in his realm that had the Lock-Down key: "Mama come here!!"
Unbeknownst to the Prophet, in all his knowledge of things occult, was the fact that Marielamb, had recently began to suffer the effects of spinal sclerosis. Besides extreme back pain, which Marie was often asking for prayer to be healed, she was also losing the mobility in her back. What she hadn't experienced yet, was the strange spinal sclerosis symptom called jaw jerk; the involuntarily clenching of the teeth when pressure is brought to bear on the lower jaw. Today she would. For as Jacob bent forward to yell, the downward thrust of his body had put increased pressure on her lower jaw. Marielamb reacted by, biting down hard on the Prophet's still limp penis. Immediately overcome by a rush of pain, Jacob opened his mouth to scream but only a silent, almost gagging "aaaaaaahhhhhhhh." sound came out. Already off balance, he convulsed in agony, and all 265 pounds of him, fell off the bed landing on top of Marielamb who still had his penis clenched firmly in her teeth. It took about 20 seconds for the Prophet to find his voice again, and when he did, he began screaming"Yaaahhh, Ohhh God, yahhhhhhhhh". He was, thrashing around on top of Marielamb, looking like some great fat fish flopping on the floor when Mama Madia burst into the bedroom door.
"She's a witch! OOOhh God! Yaaaahhhhhh! A witch! a witch!!! Ahhhhhhhh!" Jacob was screaming at the top of his lungs between gasps of air where he would make strange gurgling noises from deep in his lungs. Marielamb, was buried beneath the soft rolling fat of the Prophets belly and thighs. Deprived of oxygen, she was nevertheless elated that "Dad" was so excited "He must be getting a prophecy" Marie thought. She could only hear the Prophet's voice muffled through the fat, but knew he must be shouting at the top of his lungs. "It's probably Abrahim speaking through Dad" she reasoned in her oxygen starved brain, " the gypsy king always seemed to visit when Dad drank a lot of sherry. Wow, the entire home would hear how Abrahim was getting a prophecy over her, Marielamb, Jacob's new Queen". With that thought in her mind and her teeth clamped firmly on the Prophets penis, Marielamb succumbed to oxygen starvation, and passed out..
The room soon filled with disciples who had scrambled to the King's Chambers from all areas of the large villa, drawn there by the Prophets agonizing screams. They stood around looking helplessly at one another, the cook with banana bread batter on her hands, the wading pool boys dripping sweat from their construction, a nanny with a three-year-old on her hip, still sucking at her naked breast. All eyes were riveted on the strange scene on the floor where Mama Madia and her consort, Dickie Dorkkeeper, were desperately trying to pull the Prophet off of Marielamb. Jacob was no longer screaming, now he was only gurgling between great gasps of air and his entire body was twitching in spasms. "Dammit Gene, get over here and help us!" Madia screamed. Galvanized into action, the photographer leaped from the throng of gapping disciples to help Madia and Dickie. Spurred by his example, Able, and Suzanne the cook joined in the effort to flip the Prophet on his back.
The Prophets flesh was covered in sweat making it difficult to get a grip on him but finally, in one great heroic, on-the-count-of-three-heave-ho effort, they rolled the corpulent prophet onto his back with Marielamb still attached. "Let go of him you goddamned witch!" Madia. shrieked. "Satan, loose him and let him go", Dickie commanded, as he grabbed the unconscious Marielamb by the hair at the back of her neck and wrenched her free from the Prophet's penis.
For seconds there was absolute silence. The Prophet lay there naked as a beach ball gurgling and twitching. All eyes were riveted on his limp penis. Marielamb had sucked on it so hard that it was almost white. The color almost immediately returned, and as it did blood began to squirt from two teeth marks. All eyes turned to Marielamb, who had returned to consciousness and was groggily leaning up on one elbow. With the Prophet's blood smeared over her lower face, she spotted Mama Madia and smiled. "You stupid idiot" Madia screamed as she leaped on Marielamb. "You stupid idiot" she screamed again and again as she slammed Marielamb's head against the King's bedroom floor. . Dickie grabbed Madia in his skinny arms in an unsuccessful effort to stop her. "Help me Able" he said in a voice that seemed almost void of emotion . Together they pulled the screaming, writhing Mama Madia, Jacob's number one Queen, from the sobbing hysterical Marielamb.
"Stop it Mama" Dickie whispered "we've got to get help for Dad". Immediately, Madia regained her composure. "Able" she barked "I want you and two strong men to take this witch to Confinement, and chain her to the bed! We'll deal with her later!"
Madia turned back to her husband and king who lay gurgling and jerking on the deck. "Oh Jacob" she moaned as she dropped down beside him and cradled his large white-maned head in her lap. She gently whispered in his ear "Jacob, can you hear Me!?"--With no response, she screamed in his ear, "Can you hear Me!!?" The Prophet jerked and fluttered his eyelids. Madia looked up hopefully to Dickie. "Look Dickie, he's waking up!" she exclaimed excitedly. The Prophet opened wide to reveal two white eyeballs. His eyes had rolled back in their sockets. Madia let out a gasp and lurched backwards, letting his head thud to floor.
The enormity of the situation hit her hard, "The Prophet is dying" she thought "And I haven't the slightest idea what to do!" She felt her confidence leave her like air from a burst balloon. "Whatta we do now" she said in her little girl voice, to no one in particular. "Well, first of all I'd put a tourniquet on it" Suzanne said briskly "Then I'd get on the phone to Manilla Central Hospital and tell them we're bringing in an emergency patient! Tell them we are rich Americans and to have their best surgeon there--Money is no object!-- Then I'd get a robe on him, get him into the limo and down to the hospital as fast as we can. Also" she added as a quick after thought, "call up the Army base and have General Ignacio give us a police escort". "OK, Let's do it then" Madia commanded. Maria turned to smile at Suzanne. Madia really admired the big Aussie lesbian that had come to be her cook and lover-"Suzanne always knew what to do in a jam" she thought " just like Jacob ."
Dr. Bendicio Mendoza was never so glad to be finished with an operation. In his internship at Loma Linda Hospital in Southern California, and in his 15 years of residency at Manilla Central, or for that matter his entire life, he never had an experience as weird as this!
Leaving the scrub room, the doctor pulled himself up to his full five foot five height and attempted to assume his usual professional bedside manner as he approached the three people in the waiting room. But his mind was buzzing with the strangeness of the last two hours and he totally failed in his attempt to hide it.
"Is his penis OK" the woman with the Australian accent demanded to know. "God, she must be over six feet tall", Mendoza thought as he looked up at the masculine woman who had skipped any formalities with him and had bluntly asked the question. With her left arm the big woman clutched a smaller somewhat homely woman tightly to her bosom. "Are you his wife?" Mendoza asked the tall Australian. "No, I'm Suzanne Strong, Mr .and Mrs. Schieskoff's personal chef, this is his wife"she said as she gently brought her large right hand to Madia's tear- stained cheek, pulling Madia even tighter as she did. "And who is he?" Mendoza asked nodding at the bookish man seated in the corner, who seemed to be completely absorbed in what appeared to be financial reports. Instantly Dickie looked up, "Hi Doctor, I'm Dickie Dorkkeeper" the man replied in a soft voice, "I'm Mama's consort". Then thinking he'd better rephrase that for this systemite doctor, Dickie quickly added, " er, I mean I'm Peter....Peter Hamsterman, I'm Madia Schieskoff's personal helper."
"The craziness continues" Mendoza thought as he responded: "Well, we managed to sew up the teeth punctures. And barring complications it will function to relieve his kidneys, But as for sexual function..." his voice trailed off leaving no doubt that it was not a likely possibility. Maria sobbed even harder, but Dr. Mendoza could have sworn that, for an instant, he thought he saw a slight smile cross the face of the tall Australian.
The Doctor had his own questions, and he figured he would be as brusque as they Had been with him: "Just who in the hell is Ivan Ivanovitch, Abrahim and Mocumba?" Mendoza demanded--"And where is the Grandma who was trying to cut off Mr Schieskoff's penis with a paring knife?" Suzanne, Madia and Dickie reacted as if the doctor had just found a dead body in their closet.
They quickly glanced at each other and stared at the doctor in a guilty, stupefying silence.
"Is your husband prone to violent hallucinations, Mrs. Schieskoff?" the doctor asked. "Uh, no, I don't think so" Madia replied almost under her breath. "Well, we had to restrain Mr Schieskoff both during and after the operation." Mendoza said in a curt voice revealing the exasperation he felt.. "After anesthesia he went to sleep. Then, five minutes into the operation he woke up. My nurse was holding my scalpel and a pan. Your husband screamed at her, ‘Grandma, please don't cut off my penis, I won't play with Virginia anymore'. Then he suddenly jumped from the operating table and backhanded my little nurse clear across the operating room telling her to go to hell and that he would masturbate as much as he wanted too. He was ranting in some foreign language and calling for Abrahim and Ivan Ivanovitch to come fetch him from these demons, meaning us. It took three orderlies to restrain him.
"We had to replace my nurse with a student nurse from Nigeria . Your husband kept calling her Mocumba telling her to come down from Mt. Tiede and deliver him. His exact words were "Jump on my weenie and deliver me from all these infidels". I know, because he must have repeated it at least 30 times.. He also began to urge my nurse to "suck my scepter". Finally, we not only had to bind him to the table but also gag him in order to continue.--I'm afraid he is still in that condition in the recovery room. You can see him if you'd like."
When they entered the recovery room and Madia saw the end-time Prophet bound and gagged she let out a little shriek and ran to his bed. Jacob was straining so hard against his bonds that you could almost see his muscles beneath the fat. Madia quickly undid his gag .
"You demon-possessed bitch" he screamed at her as his gag came off. "You foul bird, God will destroy thy progeny and bury you beneath a dunghill." He let loose with a torrent of swear words punctuated by "demons" -"demons"--"demons" and ended with a screaming chorus of: "BITCH"--"BITCH"--"BITCH" all directed at Madia who ran crying from the room. "You better go help her Dickie" Suzanne said. As Dickie ran after her, Suzanne struggled to replace the Prophet's gag. Finally, getting it in place she bent over as if to kiss his cheek and whispered, "I'm going to fix your wagon you bastard!" Then straightening up she smiled saying "Bye Dad, we'll be back to fetch you real soon, don't go away". On the way out she found Dr. Mendoza and told him that Mrs Schieskoff wanted to take her husband home but felt she would need some restraining devices and sedatives to keep him from hurting himself or others. Dr. Mendoza said he'd be more than happy to help.
Madia was hysterical. Suzanne told Dickie he should take her home and give her some wine and put her to bed., which he obediently did. "Don't worry about me" she said " I'm going to stay here with Grandpa, he needs me". After Madia and Dickie had gone, Suzanne went downstairs and out to the front of the hospital. Flagging down one of the colorful and unoccupied Jeepneys she told the driver to take her to the Lady Luck disco. The driver raised his eyebrows at the name, but from the looks of her he figured she knew where she was going.. After 15 minutes of the usual wild ride through the crowded, noisy, smog-choked streets of Manilla the Jeepney pulled up to gaudy neon-lit disco. Suzanne knew the place well, for Jacob had often come here to Forny-Fish some of the low-end hookers that plied their trade with the bar's sleazy patrons. Jacob said he needed the love-up time when Mama Madia was at the base Forny-Fishing the army officers. "And besides,"as he often told her and Able on his many trips to the disco, "Jacob's love always flows to the neediest. I could go to a fancy hotel and pay some proud high- priced hooker, but would the Lord bless that?" Suzanne thought the real reason was, as he confessed one night in a drunken stupor, that the girls reminded him of the prostitutes he knew as a young salesman working for Jed Fordan back in the States. Putting that all out of her mind, Suzanne approached one of the tough-looking Filipino's who ran his business from the bar. After about 20 minutes inside she returned to the waiting Jeepney. In her wallet she had a piece of paper with 5 Mickey mouse pictures on it.
Stopping at a pharmacy she bought a small beaker and a hypodermic needle. At a rented hotel room near the hospital she filled the beaker with distilled water into which she put the 5 Mickey Mouse faces that she had carefully cut out of the paper. After 2 hours of soaking she strained out the paper and brought the beaker to a boil over the small kitchen stove. When it cooled she filled the large hypodermic with the contents. That evening as she visited Jacob in his private room Suzanne injected the contents of the hypo into the plastic bag of sucrose that was being intravenously fed into the Prophet's, arm. "Mickey Mouse is going to take you on a trip to Fantasy land" Suzanne said to Jacob, "or should I say 5 trips all rolled into one" The gagged and bound Prophet was staring at her in bug-eyed horror unable to move or say anything. "There's enough LSD in there" she said pointing to the IV to blow your brain to bits" Then bending over to kiss him on the forehead she added sweetly ‘And there's lot's more where that came from. Have a nice trip" she said as she waved to him sweetly turning out the lights as she left the room. Outside she hung a "do not Disturb" sign in both English and Tagalog. Suzanne started giggling as she walked down the corridor. By the time she had hit the front door she was laughing uproariously. ‘This is going to be fun she thought as she climbed into the taxi. Between fits of hysterical laughter she managed to tell the driver, "Take me to the Beverly Hills section of Manilla."
The thin Philippine driver cast several worried glances at his passenger who laughed almost continually on the way to her destination. The thought crossed his mind several times that she might be crazy and he unconsciously felt for his gun as he measured up the huge woman in the back seat, wondering what he would do if she attacked him and worried that she would probably overpower him if she did.
Soon they came to the gated entrance to the most exclusive suburb of Manila. The armed guard recognized the taxi's passenger and didn't check her ID. He did look at the drivers though, and gave him a pass, after noting his license plate in his notebook. "Always keep the pass in the window. You've got 30 minutes !" the guard told the driver as he waved them through. Winding down streets with walled villas, some with stationed sentries in front, the driver was as curious as a tourist for he had only once before had a fare to this exclusive enclave. Here lived the senators, judges, generals, heads of business, wealthy landowners and reportedly even one Chinese drug lord— the very cream of Philippine society.
Following his passengers direction, he pulled up into the driveway entrance of the highest walled villa he had ever seen. "Honk twice, then wait a couple seconds and honk once." the giantess ordered from the back seat. At the second honk, a small door opened in the middle of the large double-doored steel-plated l gate.
A large muscular man stepped through. "Pay him Able" his fare ordered as she slipped out of the car and disappeared through the opening in the giant steel doors.
Episode II "Ben's Jump"
Eighteen year old Benjamin Farnsworth walked through the giant brass doors of the Hong Kong Shanghai Commercial Bank without hardly attracting a glance from the uniformed doorkeepers. Ben was rather scraggily dressed, but now-a-days a lot of rich European teenagers tried to affect that wasted, bummed-out look. Hardly anyone in Hong Kong could equate a young white teenager with being a penniless street bum in Hong Kong. But Ben was penniless. He was also motherless, fatherless, without any form of passport or visa and living with Hong Kong street gangs.
If the guards could have peered behind Ben's large sunglasses they would have been shocked to see both of his eyes were black and blue and almost swollen shut. For that matter, if anyone had closely looked at his face, they would have seen that it was cut-up that his jaw was swollen too. Under his clothes his body was a mass of bruises. But no one had been paying the right attention to Ben for a long, long time. The Cho-Lin Street Gang that Ben had taken refuge with after his escape from Uncle Hobo's Macau Victor Camp were teaching their white boy a lesson. Ben was going to beg for them and prostitute himself at the Islands gay clubs or they were going to kill him.
Ben walked straight toward the bank's elevator, inside he was just one of many going up. Amongst the 10 or so passengers Ben noticed a Caucasian couple with their young son."I rebuke you Satan, I rebuke you Satan" Ben whispered to himself under his breath Ben could feel the demon of jealousy creeping up inside of him as he looked at the young couple with their son. He could hear the seductive voice of Satan filling his mind with demonic temptations and making him wish that he would have had a Mom and a Dad like that boy.
The kid was probably about twelve or thirteen Ben thought, "just about the same age I was when the Devil first got into me." As Ben remembered that time at The Heavenly City School in Japan, the demons began dancing around in his mind, just like they always did, to flood his consciousness with the horrors of how evil he was.
"Ben! Benjamin!! Are you daydreaming again? " Auntie Sari roused the freckle-faced adolescent from his reverie by grabbing a handful of the boy's hair and shaking him in his seat till she brought tears to his eyes. "What did Mama Madia say in her letter about Daydreaming?" she demanded. "That it was bad?"Ben offered. "Bad?" she said sarcastically, as if he had failed to answer the simplest question in the world. "It's not just bad ,Benjamin, it's the greatest time- wasting trick that the Devil has!. Now what were you daydreaming about?" "I dunno, nothing really" Ben weakly replied. "Nothing!!" Auntie Sari spat the word out as she slapped his mouth, "Nothing but a lie Ben!-- That's all I am hearing, isn't that right?' "Yes Auntie Sari", Ben sobbed.
Suddenly Sari appeared to soften and sitting down on the bed next to Ben's chair she took Ben in her arms and pressed his face to her small bosom., "Ben, honey" she whispered, "I really love you. Don't you like Love-Up times with Auntie Sari?" Engulfed in Auntie Sari's motherly sexuality, Ben nodded an affirmative yes. "Don't you want to be part of the Honesty Revolution and wear your Green Shirt like a good soldier of King Jacob?" Ben knew the only answer was yes, and he nodded again. "So, honey please be brave, and tell Auntie Sari what you were daydreaming about". "I,--I was thinking about who my Mom was and why she left the Family and---and my Dad and wondering why I never get to see him,. I just was hoping I'd get to see my Dad cause he told me last year at his Christmas call I was going to get to be with him. And then..." Sari interrupted Ben by putting a gentle finger over his mouth.
Sari straightened up her short pudgy frame and patted Ben on the head, "Ben, you've been a brave, honest soldier of King Jacob."she said, beaming with joy, "You've been able to get the darkness out to the light so it can be exposed and healed. The demons really like to hide but God likes to expose them and heal them! Isn't that wonderful?" Ben didn't know if it was wonderful or not. Ben didn't even understand what Auntie Sari meant, nor did he have time to ponder it, because as she spoke, Auntie Sari had removed all her clothes and was climbing into Ben's bottom bunk bed pulling the boy after her. As two other boys nonchalantly played guitars on one of the other bunks in the boys dorm Sari snuggled up to Ben. "Ben" she said as she pressed her breast into the 12 year-old's mouth, "I am the love of God for you and God want's to reward you for being such an honest and brave soldier in Grandpa Jacob's army." Ben would understand Auntie Sari better tomorrow.
The next day, Ben walked silently into the brightly lit Shepherd's Den and sat down in the swivel-chair in the middle of the room, as he had been told. Never, had he been in the company of so many leaders at once, at least never by himself, alone. It made him nervous. "Do you know why you are here Ben?" The french accent was coming from directly behind him. He turned to face Uncle Jaziah. "No Sir" Ben replied to the mushy-faced, non-de-script Frenchman. Before Jaziah could respond, a female voice interrupted "You're here because we love you Ben." Ben turned towards another french accent, this one coming from Jaziah's mate, Auntie MarieLamb. Her deep socketed eyes radiated such intense concern for Ben, that he instantly knew he was in big trouble. "You know," MarieLamb said as she bent over to put her face next to the boy's "Father Jacob love's you even more than we do. Do you believe that Ben?" Ben nodded, as he looked past Auntie Marie's face to her large breasts that had given him such comfort during Love-Up times.
"But as many as I love I rebuke and chasten" Uncle Barry shouted behind Ben's left ear as he simultaneously whirled the boy around to face him. "Grandpa say's ‘You let the devil in and I'll beat him out of you' --Do you like to play footsie with the devil Ben?" Barry spoke the words with such intensity that the veins on both sides of his neck and his temples popped out. Ben had seen this transformation of Uncle Barry before, in Family meetings, when Barry was reading a rebuke from Grandpa or Mama Madia. During these sessions Uncle Barry's usual calm demeanor metamorphosed into such raging intensity that sometimes Ben thought the vein's in Barry's face were going to explode. Barry would rant and rave on the stage like a madman and often jump off the stage into a group of adults or teens and single someone out for a special rebuke or pull someone on stage for a public exorcism or corporal punishment. Now, Ben sat, not twelve inches away from Uncle Barrys contorted visage. Barry's bulging, red, face glowered behind his little wire-rimmed glasses as he screamed in Ben's face,. "Auntie Sari told us all about your little daydream fling with the devil. Well, buddy boy, your pusillanimous little devil has really exposed himself this time and we are going to drive his hell out of the camp of the Lord! You understand Me?!!" Ben nodded in open-mouthed horror as Barry rose and backed away from him. Under Barry's hate-filled gaze, Ben began to tremble involuntarily .
As he sat there trembling in silence Ben heard the door open and close behind him and a voice say,"Hello Benjamin!" Ben immediately recognized it as Auntie Sari's and he turned toward her hoping to find Auntie Sari coming to his rescue. One look at her dashed all his hope. Whatever closeness she showed to him yesterday during their Love-Up time had completely evaporated. She was once again the cold distant leader who acted as Grandpa Jacob's and Mama Madia's personal liaison to the Family. "Benjamin" she said primly, "I've got a personal letter for you from Grandpa Jacob."
As Sari removed the typewritten letter from it's manilla folder, the other leaders took it as their cue to sit down. Sari sat directly in front of Ben on a high stool and Barry, Jaziah, MarieLamb and three others sat on folding chairs in a circle around Ben. In the back of the room, almost in shadow, Aaron, one of the first Japanese disciples, quietly put his camera to his shoulder to video-tape the event for Jacob and Madia Schieskoff's viewing pleasure.
Sari began to read Grandpas letter in her prissy-crisp voice: "Benjamin, we want you to know that Mama Madia and myself really love you and are praying for you and your deliverance. We want you to be part of this great Family but we will not tolerate a little selfish, doubting demon in our midst! You know that I will not tolerate a demon in my own Granddaughter Beanie and I certainly will not tolerate one in you--Is that clear?" "Well," Sari paused in her reading, "is that clear Ben?" Ben nodded "Yes ma'am!"
Sari continued reading, "I hope and pray Ben, that you do not end up in permanent isolation from the Family like my granddaughter Beanie did. Some have suggested that we should just send you back to your demon-possessed grandmother and let you die with her when God destroys that filthy Babylon whore, America, but your father pleaded that we have mercy on you. So Ben, if you have any love for your father, for this great Family, or for me, God's Prophet and Mama Madia, you'd better get the victory and get rid of those little demons or God help me, you will have hell to pay!"
"Now Benjamin" Sari said, in her most ostentatious voice, as she ceremoniously returned the letter to it's folder, "leadership is having to take a lot of time on your case, which is really upsetting both Grandpa and Mama, because of how much time the devil is causing us to waste. You know, the devil just loves to gets us sidetracked and off the wonderful wall of worldwide witnessing, so we pray the you see the seriousness of this situation and really co-operate with your exorcism and get rid of your demons immediately!"
With those words, Sari leaped off her stool and rammed her finger in Benjamin's face, shrieking at the top of her lungs, "I adjure thee in the name of King Jacob, demons, tell us your names!". With that, all the leaders jumped off their chairs and putting their hands on whatever free spot they could find on Ben's body they all began to shout at once for Satan to reveal himself in Ben.
After almost five hours and much prayer and rebukes later, all Ben had been able to confess to was wanting to see his Dad. "You little, filthy, demon-dreaming liar" Barry screamed, coming to the end of his patience. "Wanting to see your Dad is just the tip of the iceberg!--We all know that you ‘Want' to see your Dad - We want to know ‘Why' you want to see him?" "Because I love him?" Ben said. "Love?" MarieLamb said in her weak, syrupy-sweet voice, "If you really loved your Dad you wouldn't want to see him because you would cause him to come down from the wall of doing his important photo work for Grandpa and Mama." Then, Jaziah chimed in with his thick french, accent, "Yes , zo what you have Ben is a demon of doubt because you are doubting zat your Dadee should not be working for Grandpa--You are doubting zee Jo-Letters and your are doubting Jesus because He said to forsake your parents" "And", Barry yelled as he revealed to Ben a fresh insight: "You've got a demon of Destruction!--Cause you'd like to destroy Grandpas work by interfering with your fathers important job!"
"Confess your demons, Ben and get rid of them right now!" Sari said as she grabbed Ben on both sides of his head and began to shake him violently--"CONFESS NOW! IN THE NAME OF KING JACOB!" "You've got ta-ta-two demons Ben, da-da-do you understand me?" Jaziah stammered, almost beside himself with quivering emotion "You are na-na-not a child of God! God iz not your Father you are a ba-ba-bastard child of ze Devil who has snuck into ze Family-- Get rid of your demons and become a child of God!"
After hours in the hands of seven adults Ben was reduced to slobbering, teary-eyed, confusion--he was blubbering away when Jaziah jolted him to electric awareness by soundly slapping him three times across his face as he intoned: "In the name of Father Jacob, and of Mama Madia and the Family Of Love." Jaziah slaps had left Ben's cheeks a glowing crimson and a trickle of blood was running down the right side of his mouth. "God does not give a sheet about your crocodile tears!' Jaziah screamed at Ben "He wants you to confess your demons right now!- -Get down on your face before God and get rid of your demons right now!"
Instantly, Ben fell to his knees and began to call out to God to deliver him from his demons of Doubt and Destruction. "Louder, Ben" Uncle Barry encouraged, "say it loud enough so everyone in the School can hear you--Loud enough so Grandpa and Mama can hear you!!" As he complied, Sari opened the door that led to the dinning room so everyone could hear. With his hands lifted high, his eyes closed and screaming at the top of his lungs, Ben never noticed the video camera filming his confession to his demons and his pleas for deliverance. Aaron thought to himself as he zoomed in on Ben's teary-eyed face with snot running from his nose, "Boy, Father Jacob will love this one!"
Once Ben got under the demon-hunting microscope of Auntie Sari, Uncle Jaziah and Uncle Barry, many other demons were soon discovered. Only a month later, another teen, Petra, wrote in her daily Open Heart Report that she had overheard Ben engaged in "foolish talking". She reported how Ben had been speaking to another boy about how he'd like to build a tree house and live out in the woods. Sari found twin demons of foolishness and rebellion lurking under this desire. These demons took an eight hour deliverance session to get rid of. Sari told him "When we cast the demons of doubt and destruction out of you they went out and got two more demons and came back to your heart because it was empty and wasn't full of Grandpas words." So, for the next three months Ben walked around with earphones on his head hooked up to a portable tape-recorder, listening to Grandpas Jo-Letters from morning to night. He was also placed on Silence Restriction and not allowed to talk to anyone except adult leaders.
After that, Ben stayed free of his demons for two whole months, till one afternoon as he played a game of Goodmitton. (At Grandpas suggestion the Family had replaced the word "Bad"- The Prophet had wisely observed: "Why should God's kids play something that's Bad? So let's call it Goodmitton instead of Badminton, OK?") Ben got too enthusiastic about a game and actually tried to win rather that "just play the game" as Mama had suggested. The demons of competition and discord were found lurking in Ben's heart through this episode.
This time, Sari had to conduct a public exorcism and flogging of Ben. "Public floggings and public exorcisms are great! They let everyone see what happens when you let the Devil in and also insure that no other teens follow a dandy-bad example." was the quote she read from Grandpa's Jo-Letter, "Punch The Devil".
By the time Sari, Barry, Jaziah, and MarieLamb got through with Ben's public flogging and exorcism they really thought he had a complete deliverance. Ben was shaking like someone had plugged him into an electric cord. As Uncle Barry finished Ben's 20th swat, Ben fell on the stage floor vomiting uncontrollably. Sari was so happy, she said that with every retch of vomit she saw a demon come out! The dinning room was filled with nearly a hundred teens and about fifty adults. When Ben retched up his last demon MarieLamb told everyone to lift their hands and praise the Lord and to thank Father Jacob for deliverance. The whole Family was rejoicing and dozens of teens gave testimonies about their own deliverance. Sari said she was so thankful for everyones prayers that she proclaimed the next day a sleep-in day and that everyone could spend four hours that night, instead of only two, with their sex-schedule partner.
Sari later said that it just goes to show you how tricky people who are yielded to the devil can be, for it wasn't two weeks afterward but that Ben was fooling around with the devil again! Ben actually had the gall to write Sari and tell her: "Since I'm now free of my demons and delivered, do you think Grandpa would let me be with my Dad now?" None of the leaders could believe that the devil could be so bold. "If you're really delivered from wanting to destroy Father Jacob's worldwide work" Sari demanded to know, "Why would you want to cause your dad to come down from his great work on the wonderful wall of witnessing to spend time with you?!"
Father Jacob said it was just a waste of time to do anymore deliverance on Ben. "Just put him in isolation away from the other kids," he ordered " cause one rotten apple will spoil the whole barrel. We'll let him stew in his own juices for awhile. He's gonna find out that crime doesn't pay." For the next four months Ben remained in isolation reading Grandpa's JO-Letters, praying, and confessing his sins on Open Heart Reports. On his fourteenth birthday, Grandpa and Mama graciously relented and let Ben out to be with the other teens. But instead of getting better Ben had only gotten worse and began acting goofy and saying things that just didn't make any sense.
Finally, Ben was again brought before the entire Heavenly City School and Grandpa's transcript of his final session with his demon-possessed granddaughter Beanie was read to Ben and he was sent to join her in Macao as an incorrigible teen, placed in internal exile from the Family.
When the elevator got to the bank's observation deck, Ben joined the throng of tourists who had come to view the city of Hong Kong from the tall skyscraper. Ben was not interested in the sights. He was nervous, and he kept pacing back and forth, occasionally bumping in to one of the tourists as they took pictures. Ben had not slept in two days. The drugs he had gotten into with the gang and the prostitution thay had forced him into had taken a heavy toll on Ben's already fractured personality. Ben's mind felt like it was on fire. He couldn't get rid of the demons anymore, they loomed up in him everywhere he went. Ben was so scared, he was trembling as he paced back and forth. There was only one way out. Ben let out a long shout as he ran towards the decks low concrete guard wall. Leaping up on top of it, Ben only paused for a second, then he threw himself off. 75 stories below Ben ended his life.
Episode III - Heavenly Homos
Dad slumped back into the soft cushions of his Comfy Chair. Outside, the cold Japanese wintery winds were shaking the shutters of his small suburban home ."Jap homes aren't very well insulated", he thought, as he buttoned the top of his sweater and shouted for Suey to turn the heater up five degrees. Even though the home was luxuriously spacious for Japan, the Prophet was still upset with Freddy and Jim Boy for not finding him and his staff better accommodation. "I don't give a damn if it is only 3-days notice, or the middle of winter--God's business requireth haste." he had ranted, over the phone, from Sri Lanka.
Articles had been published in Sri Lanka about the Family's Forny- Fishing three fourteen year old Muslim girls and the Prophet's Creations Unit was having to flee the island nation in a hurry. "Just a bunch of narrow- minded religious bigots", Father Jacob had written afterward in his JO-Letter "Kill My Enemies": "May God rupture that wicked little island with earthquakes and also rupture and herniate that narrow-minded judge as well".
Many of the Family's "Madness With Music" Musicians and staff had to be left behind, to fend for themselves, and ended up in jail. "But at least," Grandpa wrote " God's Flame, His holy Prophet has been preserved." The recollection of these events so agitated the Prophet that it propelled him out of his Comfy Chair and into the frigid air of the adjoining storage room, where he began to rifle through dozens of bags, boxes and suitcases.
"Yeah, God had preserved me" he murmured out loud, "but preserved me for what? To shiver to death in this tiny, drafty, Jap shack?!"At the thought, Jacob let out a little ""brrrrrrrrr" sound and tested his breath to verify that he could see it in the unheated storage room. "Dammit, why does Mama keep doing this to me?-Where in the hell did she stash it this time?" he grumbled and muttered to himself, as he tore the storage room apart. "Ah there it is!!", Father Jacob chuckled, as he pulled a bottle of Cyprus Creme Sherry out of an old boot where Mama Madia had hidden it. "She's clever, but not cleverer than God's Prophet!" Clutching his trophy in both hands, the Prophet shuffled back to collapse in his Comfy Chair. He sighed a great sigh of relief and poured his first glass of sherry for his afternoon lunch.
Holding the tumbler of sherry up to the light, Jacob absentmindedly stared into it as he thought back to his arrival the week before. When he saw what Jim Boy and Freddy had procured for his personal quarters he really let them have it. Jacob knew that this seemingly little oversight was only the TIP of the iceberg and he was determined to find out what the real reason was.
"Don't you know that my God owns all the gold in Fort Knox?" he thundered, "All the silver and gold in the world is His and I am His Prophet!!! All I can say is, I think God is very displeased with your boys lack of faith and love for His Prophet which is almost a direct slap in the face of God Himself and even teeters on the verge of disloyalty! What in the Hell did you boys think? Huh?
"Well, you must not have been thinking, or maybe you weren't praying and the devil slipped you a ‘mickey'--cause there's nothing better that the devil would like to do, but knock out God's Prophet with pneumonia and stop his Love Message from getting out to the world......." Jacob grimaced as he thought back over the "Blasting Session" he had given the boys. He was still upset with them because the effort of his scathing rebuke had upset his stomach for days afterward.
Jacob remembered, how Freddy had fallen on his face and blubbered out his sins after only 20 minutes into his " B.S." He confessed how the day they found the house he had drank a coke and that for the last two weeks he'd been drinking three or four cups of coffee a day. No matter that he was only getting four hours sleep a night, because of the mad rush to find a house for the Prophet, Freddy knew he was way beyond the Jo-rule #48 limit of two cups per day. Of course, drinking the coke, broke Jo-rule #76 of no sugar and Jo- rule #132 of no carbonated drinks. But Jimmy was another case altogether. It took a full three hour "B.S." by Jacob before Jim Boy finally broke down and confessed that he had broken JO-Rule #957 and had kept a photo of his wife. It was hidden under his dresser.
When Father Jacob heard that, he bounced out of his chair slapping his thighs and boomed out, " I knew it! I knew it! I knew the devil was getting in here somehow!" As he finished his exclamation, his entire countenance seem to go slack and his tired old eyes glazed over and in a high-pitched feminine voice he began making a moaning sound like the wind. It was one of Jacob's chief spirit-helpers, Wacky Wind. She was showing him a spirit-picture. In a sing- song voice Jacob began to describe it: "I see a half-a-foot high, feeble-minded demon leaping from the photo, hitching a ride on Jimmy's penis and jumping into Freddy's head."
Crumpling back into his Comfy Chair from the strain of channeling such a heavy revelation from the spirit-world, Jacob asked Madia for a glass of wine to revive him. As Madia went to retrieve the hidden elixir, she made sure both Suey and Sari were recording everything. As Dad had blasted away she had told Dickie at least five times how this was going to make a great JO- Letter for the kids. Now Jacob slowly sipped his wine, as his small audience waited with baited breath for his interpretation. Finally downing the last drop, Jacob gravely spoke, "The devil always picks the weakest link. In this case it was Jimmy's penis, cause he was looking back and lusting for his wife, like Lot's wife looking back to Sodom and lusting for the fleshpots of Sodom. Then, the demon latched on to Freddy's mind, weak from too much coffee, sugar and coke--and it was Freddy who was leading the team to pick the house!!" When Jacob reached this point in his interpretation, he shouted, "Jimmy, go get that photo, and bring it here right now!"
As Jimmy returned with the last physical reminder of his wife, Jacob tore the photo out of his hands. "My God!!!--I can't even look at her picture, she's so damned demon possessed!"the Prophet grimaced in disgust and horror, as he turned his head and raised his hand to shield his eyes from the demonic stare of Jimmy's wife. Then grabbing Jimmy by both shoulders Jacob shouted in his face, "Jimmy, I want you curse this photo, and then I want you to tear it up and burn it. Right Now! Dickie, grab a waste-can so we don't make a mess."
As the shredded photo slowly smouldered away, Jacob told Jimmy, "We brought you here for Tip-Top leadership training, but you are going to have to be obedient, you understand me? Your wife has always been feeble-minded Jimmy, cause she won't get rid of her doubts—but we will not tolerate her doubting feeble-minded spirit in this house!" Jacob had once again worked himself up into a rage, as he bellowed his rebuke, he suddenly pulled back his arm and slapped Jimmy across the face seven times. "That's God's number Jimmy, one for each abomination" Jacob screamed as Jimmy fell to the floor crying out for God to forgive him. Jacob felt that the situation was so serious that he had Freddy and Jim Boy fast for three days, then he assembled all 13 people in his little unit and cast the feeble-minded demon out of both boys in a tremendous exorcism ceremony.
"You just don't know who you can trust "Jacob sighed as he was pulled out of his reverie by Suey's knock at the door. Faithful Suey had just brought the Prophet his dinner of pureed red snapper, with pureed baked potato, and pureed tossed salad. Even though he couldn't swallow solid food, in a show of solidarity with his staff, Jacob insisted on eating what everyone else did. Even though it was a hassle for Suzanne the cook, she knew better than to complain, because Jazan, the former cook, had been demoted to a Babe and sent off for retraining, when he had suggested they could save time by giving the Prophet baby food. "I'm not a baby" Jacob had fumed "But Jazan is going to be demoted to spiritual babe for that comment!"
As Jacob surveyed his mush meal, he muttered under his breath:"Ever since that damn Sphinx goddess hopped off the sphincter muscle in Dito's penis and into the sphincter muscle in my throat I've had to eat this crap!" Suey could see that the Prophet was involved in deep meditation, so she decided not to bother him with her ususal routine of sitting in his lap and letting Jacob kiss her breasts. She had just turned her slim dark frame to go when the Prophet blurted out, "Honey, can you pull those blinds a little tighter, and tell Able he needs to tape up every window in the house. We gotta watch our security more that ever. The Devil and his minions are everywhere!" As Suey left the room Jacob patted her fanny and told her she was getting close to another Love-Up time with her King. Suey blushed with pride and told Dad she couldn't hardly wait.
"Suey" Jacob beamed, as she pulled the sliding door closed, "you're one of Jacob's Queens!" As Jacob mushed away at his dinner, he began to mentally go through the list of Tip-Top leaders that he knew were loyal. "Let's see, there's Suey, Patty, Sari, Marielamb, Perky, Fate, and of course dear Madia--and the boys there's Freddy and Dickie. The thing was, Freddy would never be a Tip-Top leader, so he didn't count, but then, neither was Dickie, even though he was coming along". So, as kind of a half-way Tip-Top leader, Grandpa gave Dickie a half-a-point.
As he thought on it a little harder, he realized that though he had seven completely loyal Tip-Top women leaders, he only had half a man that he could fully trust. And there were about three dozen Tip-Top male leaders like Barry, Jazziah, Hobo, Bust, Gwant, etc., and etc! And he couldn't fully trust any of them! That realization gave him such a start that he downed two more quick sherry's to banish the thought of such glaring disloyalty. That helped calm him down to the point that he realized that there were lot's of extremely loyal men out there amongst the 17,000 member rank-and-file, like Able his chief of security. "Maybe they weren't much upstairs", he smiled "but they got good hearts."
That evening, through two bottles of sherry (Jacob found the other one in Madia's Fleebag, only after he had practically destroyed the storage room searching for it.), Jacob couldn't get Jim Boy out of his mind. Could he really trust Jim Boy? Jimmy was a lower leader, and here for Tip-Top training, but like so many other boy leaders in the Family, Grandpa felt a certain potential in him for treason. They just weren't fully submitted like his "Queens" and that troubled the Prophet greatly, and he knew, if it troubled him, it also troubled God. To his credit, Jimmy had left his wife and kids to come help him and Madia run the Family, but still there was just something there that Jacob couldn't quite put his finger on, but surfaced now and then in Jimmy's actions, like keeping that photo and causing him and his staff to end up in this ridiculous house. Didn't that say something about how he didn't value God's Prophet? Grandpa was sure that it did, but how could he find out?
Three days later, Jacob thought he had the answer, and not only for Jim Boy, but for every male leader in the Family. He had just been rereading his dog-eared copy of "Obedience To Authority" by Stanley Milgram when the answer to his loyalty problem came to him like a revelation from the throne of heaven, which in fact, he knew it was. "Mama come here!" he yelled through the thin paper walls to his Number "1" Queen down the hall.
Hearing her husbands voice, Madia turned to her new apprentice "Now Peter, I mean Dickie, (Dad had just recently changed his name, and Mama kept forgetting) I have to go, but I want you to go over this report once more and see if you can find the five punctuation mistakes that I found. If we can't make our leaders good at grammar how are they going to rule the world when Jesus comes back?" Madia's observation seemed perfectly logical to Dickie, for he had long ago seen the beauty of Dad's favorite saying: ‘If you think, think, think, you're gonna sink, sink, sink, cause you stink, stink, stink."
Dickie was thrilled that his accounting talents had come to Dad and Mama's attention. Dickie felt his being here was almost too wonderful for words. "Imagine" he thought to himself, "only two months ago I was just a lowly leader in Europe, and now, here I am helping to run the entire world with Mama.--WOW! Then, wonder of wonders, after he had only been at the Kings house fora few weeks Dad got a sudden inspiration to put him and Mama together as Queen and Consort. I am so HAPPPPEEE!" he squealed.
Dickie smiled, as he remembered his wedding night, with just him and Mama........ and Dad, all in the same bed. As they lay there, on that wonderful night, Dad had told him,"Son, a lot of our disgruntled backsliders say the whole Family is becoming a bunch of dorks. Well, I think God loves dorks, Peter, so I'm changing your name from Peter Hamsterman to Dickie Dorkkeeper, cause you're not keeping hamsters anymore! You're gonna help keep all the dorks in the Family. You are now a ‘Dorkkeeper in the House of the Lord'. And Dickie? Well, just look at the size of your penis son".
Dickie was practically hugging himself and rocking back and forth in his chair when, in the midst of his daydream, he flashed on a mental picture of his wife and children. Suddenly, he felt guilty for feeling so good knowing they were expecting him to come back to them in Europe "Lord bless Samarus and my kids" he prayed out loud, then added: "Well, Lord you'll just have to provide a mate for her, cause I'm on the mountain with Mama and I can't come down".
Even though Mama was only two years older that him, Dickie thought she was the wisest person he'd ever know, with the exception of Dad, of course. Dickie was thankful that she had counted him worthy forTip-Top leadership training and so, with red correction pen in hand, Dickie began to pour over the report from South America determined to find those five punctuation mistakes.
Having left Dickie, Madia rushed down the hall to her husband's study room. When she got there Jacob was actually dancing his little Hora two-step that he often did when he was excited. "I found it Mama" he said in a sing- song voice "I found the answer to all our problem boys, they gotta love God's Prophet more! More and more, more and more, more and more!" It was a Family chorus that he had just slightly changed the words to. "It's right here in this book!" he said, thrusting Milgram's "Obedience To Authority" under her nose. "I--I don't understand" Madia said in total bewilderment.
Jacob sat back down in his Comfy Chair and began to explain with a note of exasperation "You know how I'm always worried about the loyalty of the boy leaders?". "Well, yes" Madia said "we both are." "Well" Jacob exclaimed proudly, "I found the answer to how we can know for sure, and it's right here in this book!" Madia stared at her husband and then at the book, then back at Jacob, then back to the book . Jacob thought, as he observed her complete bafflement, "She looks like a like a cow staring at a new fence." Grandpa knew this was going to take some explanation.
"You see", Jacob began, as he assumed one of his favorite roles, that of the all-wise teacher," Milgram was a behavioral scientist at Yale back in the sixties. He wanted to see how far people would go in their obedience to authority. So he developed this experiment that involved a doctor, a learner and a teacher. Two people, who were both supposed to be volunteers, show up at the doctors clinic in answer to an ad in the paper. The ad had asked for volunteers for a science experiment. The doctor chooses one to be the learner and the other, the teacher. The experiment begins with the doctor and the teacher strapping the learner into a chair and fitting the learner with electrodes. The doctor has the teacher sit behind an electrical apparatus that will administer shocks to the learner.
"The doctor tell the teacher that this is an experiment on the effects of punishment on learning. The doctor gives the teacher a word list which the teacher is supposed to read to the learner.. The learner is supposed to repeat the words back exactly and every time the learner misses a word the doctor has ordered the teacher to administer an electrical shock to the learner. The shocks start out at 15 volts and go up to 450 volts.
"The thing is" Grandpa chuckled, " the whole thing is a set-up! The learner is not really getting shocked at all, he's in on the experiment with the doctor. And it's not an experiment on the "learner" and his learning ability it's really an experiment on the ‘teacher' and how far the "teacher" will go in his obedience to authority!"Arriving at this point in his lecture, Grandpa rolled back in his chair and began to roar with laughter. As his huge belly bounced up and down, Madia joined him in a polite chuckle, not sure if she understood what Jacob was saying and without a clue as to where he was going, but she didn't let on to her dimness and instead said, "Wow! That's amazing!"
Through peels of laughter Jacob spurted out the real aim of the experiment: "The machine that the ‘teacher' sits at to administer the shocks, looks like the real thing. The electrical panel is even labeled going from ‘Slight Shock' to ‘Strong Shock' to ‘Intense Shock' and finally to ‘Danger Severe Shock'-- only it doesn't do anything! HA, HA! The ‘teacher' thinks that the shocks are real, cause in the other room, the strapped-down, electrode-fitted ‘learner' soon begins complaining, then shouting that it hurts, then demanding to be let go and screaming out in pain. But at each level, and every time the ‘teacher' balks at giving a shock the Doctor, who represents authority, tells the ‘teacher' to keep on giving the shocks.
"Milgram ran the experiment in all kinds of conditions and with every section of society; old, young, rich, poor, educated, ignorant, men, and women. To his amazement, as well as to all of his psychiatric peers, almost all of the ‘teachers' would continue obeying the ‘doctors' authority and shocking the ‘learner' past all the ‘learners' complaints, pleas and screams, and all the way up to the 450 volts which can actually kill you!.HA, HA, HA!
"And here's the part that will help us find out who's loyal and who isn't" Jacob said lifting his index finger to make his final point.--whereupon, Madia bent toward him in her seat, as if the movement itself, would somehow cause her husbands idea to actually penetrate her very brain--"Milgram found that you have to have what the ‘teacher' considers an authority, or it wouldn't work. You couldn't just have some peon off the street giving the order to the ‘teacher' to shock the ‘learner'. It had to be someone the ‘teacher' considered an ‘authority', or the ‘teacher' just wouldn't obey. But if an ‘authority' was giving the orders, the doctor could get the subject of the experiment, the ‘teacher', to shock a stranger to death, something the ‘teacher' wouldn't normally do--Isn't that great?" he exclaimed as he finished. "Wow! That's amazing!" Madia repeated once again.
"You see," Grandpa explained "I'm the biggest authority figure in the Family. I represent God Himself. If the boy leaders won't obey me, even if I ask them to do something they wouldn't normally do, then they failed the test and we know they're not loyal". "Oh, I see", said Madia, finally getting the idea, "you set up an experiment to see if the our leaders will shock someone to death and then you'‘ll know if they're loyal or not?"
Jacob looked at Madia as if he was seeing her for the first time in his life. "Sometimes" he thought to himself, "She is dumb, beyond all belief."-- "No", he said to Madia, practically breathing out the words in exasperation at her stupidity, "I'm not going to have the leaders shock someone to test their loyalty--cause we are not an electricians club.--Are we?--What kind of a club are we honey?" "A sex club!", Madia quickly responded. "That's my baby!" Jacob exclaimed, as he reached over and pinched Madia's right nipple, "And a sex club get's a sex test!"
It took about two months, but after several trial runs with unwitting subjects who had unfailingly demonstrated their loyalty to Jacob, the experiment was finally ready to test the loyalty of all male leadership in the Family. All the ‘volunteers' had been invited. Jacob had even had Able get some of the boys' to build him and Mama a set of thrones and set them up on a small dais. Four of his most loyal women leaders were arranged in a semi- circle in front of him with Dickie and JimBoy , who was the main subject of this experiment, in the center. As appropriate, Mama Madia set next to Dad's right hand in her somewhat smaller throne.
Wine had already been freely and liberally drunk at the preceding meal and three silver stands, in front of the leaders chairs, carried crystal beakers brimming with Father Jacob's favorite beverage, Cyprus Cream Sherry. Father Jacob Shieskoff began: "All of you are here because you are some of the most trusted leaders we have. There are others that could have been here, but we needed their help on the field. But they will get their turn. This is mine and Mama's way of honoring each of you for your long years of service. We have entrusted you with the sheep of the Lord, over 17,000 souls that God has delivered to our keeping. As a token of our appreciation we want to reward you."
Normally, Jacob despised formalities, but on occasion, he went to the extremes of pomp and circumstance, to the complete befuddlement of his followers. This was just such a time, for as he spoke the word "reward", Able waked in, dressed as a court page boy in red velvet with a green cape. He made a courtly bow to his King and Queen, then turned to the semi-circle of leaders and handed an envelope to each one. "You may open them" Jacob announced in his most officious kingly manner, casting a sideways grin to Madia.
"Uhs" and "Ahs" were coming from the leaders as they opened their envelopes and each found $500 in crisp, brand new, American hundred dollar bills. "Just a token of our appreciation for a job well done" Jacob said "Spend it as you like."
"Please put the envelopes under your seats, I'm sure no one will steal them here" Jacob declared good naturedly, to everyone's amusement. Then assuming his most prophet-like bearing, and leaning slightly forward he said "I want to get serious with you for a moment. What is the most important thing in any man's army?" Jacob demanded. "LOYALTY!", the leaders responded instantly and in unison. "And how do you determine loyalty?" Jacob demanded again. "BY OBEDIENCE!" was the united reply. "You guys know the answers!" Jacob enthused. "Pour yourself a drink and let's toast to that."
After everyone downed their drink, Jacob started in again, "Sometimes we have to begin at the beginning to find out if we can all reaffirm our beliefs and our obedience to God's word. We're going to do that right now. How many believe in God and the Bible?" All the leaders raised their hands. "How many believe I'm God's prophet with God's word for today?" Again, an eager raise of hands with accompanying "I do".
"What's the most important job in the world?" Jacob demanded. Instantly, all the leaders jumped to their feet and shouted, "GET THE MAN ON THE MOUNTAIN'S LOVE LESSONS TO THE LOST LEGIONS!!!" "So, if you believe in my Love Lessons do you believe that we are liberated from clothing?" "Yes!" was the enthusiastic reply. "How can you show God you believe?" Always one for theatrics, Jacob had asked the last question like he really didn't know the answer. The four women and two men looked at each other and then back to Jacob. "Take off our clothes?" Patty asked quizzically. "Well?" Jacob said, shrugging his shoulders, as if to say—‘ What are you going to do about it?'
Catching his Prophet's cue, Jim Boy was the first one standing, and he began to remove his clothes. Before he even got his shirt off, all the other women and Dickie had jumped to their feet to undress. "Amen!:" Grandpa shouted, as he kicked off his shoes and slipped out of his robe beating everyone by five full seconds in what was becoming a laughing, giggling race to disrobement amongst the leaders. Soon the whole room was naked, and Father Jacob proposed another toast: "To freedom from clothes!"
Everyone had already well-passed, by a 3 and 4 glasses, the 1/4-glass-of- wine-per-week, Jo-rule #326, at the preceding meal, now with the fortified sherry toasts the whole room was becoming quite inebriated. Jacob threw out a challenge, "How many believe that the devil hates sex?" "I do!" shouted Jim Boy followed by the others. "And who believes that God loves sex?" "I DO!" shouted everyone at once. "WELL?" Jacob said, assuming the same shoulder shrugging stance as before. Suey quickly turned to Jim Boy and pressed her slim feminine body against his muscular chest. Skinny Dickie turned to his right to embrace a rotund Patty while statuesque MarieLamb embraced them both and Dad and Madia came down from their thrones to hug and kiss Sari,
No one appeared to be getting too excited sexually except Jim Boy. Everything was still pretty lighthearted and after a few minutes Jacob said laughingly "Alright! Alright! Everyone sit down before we get too excited. We still have to go through our confession of faith. But first let's have another toast." Encouraging his followers to fill their tumblers to the brim, Jacob stood wobbly to his feet. "Please stand up" Jacob commanded his officers. Raising his glass, he looked each of his officers in the eye. Then , locking on to Jimmy Boy's gaze, he gravely raised his toast: "To Obedience Or Death!" "Obedience Or Death!!" was the united reply, as everyone took a huge gulp from their sherry and drunkenly sat back down.
"How many of you believe you can do anything you want, as long as you do it in love?" Every hand went up. "Well, what if Mama really needed love from one of you girls, would you give it, or would you withhold like ‘The Girl Who Wouldn't'?--Well, let's show Mama your faith by your works." Soon, all four girls were around Mama Madia foundling and kissing her and each other.
After a few minutes, Jacob burst out speaking in what sounded like heavenly jumbo:"Shadda badda badda outto bashao boshta ........." This was immediately followed by his interpretation in broken English through his spirit helper Zebrahim: "God bless all girls! Lord well please wit little ones big sacrifice and love dey give to Jacob's Queen. Behold, now give big love to God's little Prophet, show Jacob your love."
At that command from heaven, all the women, including Madia began to hug and kiss Father Jacob. After nearly 10 minutes of kissing where each took turns sucking the Prophet's penis, Jacob suddenly looked out at the two boys who had been sitting stupefied in their chairs staring at the scene, and in the prophetic voice of Zebrahim shouted, "WHAT WRONG WIT YOU BOY'S?-- YOU NO LOVE YOUR FATHER?--COME!--YOU COME SHOW HIM YOUR LOVE!!" Dickie arose before Jacob finished speaking and immediately was on his knees in front of the Prophet.
As Dickie performed his loyalty oath on the Prophet, Jacob spoke to Jim Boy from his glassy-eyed Zebrahim trance "What bout you boy? You want be part of Jacobs love, or be enemy of God? Go help boy, girls, he need help to be obedient."
Suey and Madia both stepped down from the dais and taking Jim Boy by each arm they led the mind-blown Tip-Top leadership trainee up the dais to the Prophet's throne. As he stood there before the Prophet, Jim Boy felt frozen in his tracks. Suddenly, lights exploded in his eyes. In his drunken, hypnotic, mind-addled state, Jim Boy was dimly aware that Mama Madia was taking pictures of the whole affair. The Prophet was speaking to him in his broken- English-Zebrahim-voice:"Boy, you show God you have faith by your works. Show your Father you believe. God judge you on little thing. Do not be ‘Boy Who Wouldn't'. Obey! Do now, or devil come! Do Now! Do Now!! Do Now!!!..."
All eyes were riveted on Jim Boy, including Dickie, who had stopped showing his loyalty to the Prophet and began telling Jimmy to humble his pride and that all mem-leaders in the Family were required to do it. Jimmy felt transfixed to the floor, unable to move a muscle, his mind in a state of total confusion. This was the last thing that Jimmy had ever expected to do when he dropped out of college 12 years ago to ‘Serve the Lord'. He knew if he didn't go along with what the Prophet wanted he would loose everything, including his wife and children.
As everyone urged him to obedience, Jim Boy's mixed-up emotions overwhelmed his mind and he began to cry. Soon, great sobs were wracking his body. The other leaders took it as a sign that he was yielding and began to shout encouragement to him as they tried to physically lead him to his knees. Dickie pleaded, "Come on Jimmy, Gwant has done it, so has Freddy and Ma.
